Birthday pumpkins

As has become my annual birthday tradition, I carved a pumpkin and helped my kids with theirs. I've been playing the Hamilton soundtrack in my headphones on loop at work lately, reveling in the music, then in the genius of the whole musical, then in the emotional power of it, and then specifically in the cello parts. And oh, the cello parts!

I love that the dictionary.com WotD is logophobia on hallowe'en; a dictionary, whose existence is based on words, on a holiday about spooky and fright. Its pretty on the nose. Its also something that sounds horrible to me - I can hardly imagine having a fearful psychological response to words themselves. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum - a logophiliac, I guess?

Anyway, not much to say, had a fun birthday with friends, family, pumpkins, bacon, a hundred happy facebook messages, and a new episode of Westworld. Great day.

Here, have some more pumpkins:

Puck

In August of 2003, I drove to Sac City, IA and picked up a fluffy ball of aussie. His parents were full of mud from swimming, but met me eagerly as I walked up. In the car on the way home, more than an hour's drive, he started out whining from his box in the passenger seat - alone for the first time. I pulled him out, and he sat in my lap, and was happy and quiet the rest of the drive.

Today I drove him to the vet for the last time. He was quiet, on the floor. He needed help getting in and out of the car. On the way home, I put his tag on my keychain; his leash didn't cry, but I did.

Puck hated it when his people left the house. He was a shepherd and we were his herd; he was upset when we strayed off and he wasn't there to keep us together; he didn't like being left. Today, well after he'd gone, I didn't want to leave. I could handle talking about it with the vet, and watching the sedative take hold, feeling him relax into my arms. I could handle watching his last breath, with the knowledge that he didn't have to struggle with his frail, failing body anymore. But I didn't want to leave. I sat on the floor in the exam room with what was left, feeling viscerally the 13 year bond with my friend.

We got Larry within a week of Puck - they'd been born on the same day, as it turned out, and they were best friends, co-conspirators, roommates, and pack. Larry grew a garden of tumors and passed years back, and when it happened, when Larry left the house and didn't come back with me, Puck sat looking out patio door for two days, waiting for his friend to get back home, alone for the second time.

I catch myself glancing at the patio door, like I'm expecting him to be there again, waiting in vain for himself to come home.

We got Merlin (another aussie) already an old man, a gentle old man, a gentleman. Puck learned what an old dog was like, as he began to grow old himself. They were genial, friendly, always nice to each other, but I don't think Puck felt it the same way when he was alone again, for the third time.

He's always been the one who's still here, except now he isn't. I didn't want to leave. It still feels like I should go back and pick him up. What's in the place where he's supposed to be, if it isn't him? This bond is still attached to me, but what is it attached to on the other side?

in other shoes

not very caffeinated yet - apologies in advance.

So, I really think it is really cool that I have this group of D&D players in my local group that has gone with homosexual characters in our game. I have two married (male-female) couples as players, and among them, the PCs consist of 1 straight female, 2 gay females, and 1 (straight? asexual?) male. The players of the 3 female PCs have all, to one degree or another, shown some interest in having their characters involved in occasional side romances, though I wanted to firmly establish a main plot before I tried to work with these.

Being their GM, I went in eager to explore and facilitate this aspect of the game, and being a straight cis male, I went in with the full knowledge I was/am more than likely going to make a mess of things. I find myself actively choosing to make lots of NPCs female that I would otherwise default to males, and doing so makes me think about why I would otherwise default to a male (inherent sexism? an easy archetype that I can play to? because I'm male and its easier to voice a male NPC?).

First thing, I think we managed to get a good basic plot through-line established. Dark powers in ages past were locked away in a magical prison in the form of a book, the Tome of Xendrin. Recently uncovered, the magic has been subverted and now the book, when read, is releasing the nasty evil biz back into the world. Check on getting that off the ground, and my PCs seem engaged. Also checks on getting multiple threads from the PCs backstories woven in, some of which they have discovered and a few more that are still out there.

ramble ramble ramble. point, in short: last night boy howdy do I think I probably offensively portrayed a female NPC reacting to advances of female PCs, but here's a thing - I don't think it was any difficulty putting myself in the position of a lesbian in this instance - I think it was my utter lack of knowledge of what the experience is of a woman at a bar/tavern.

So, i guess, exploration ongoing. Its actually really comforting that my male player with the female PC also felt like he screwed up a character moment last session. Yay for not failing alone!

WOTD: Compunction

Compunction - is it legit to write publicly about my daughter's grief at the loss of her pet rabbit? (I think the answer here has something to do with time, and a lot to do with how actually ready I am personally to deal with it) (because I spent a lot of the weekend being mostly in the you-can-lean-on-me role, and probably didn't do so well actually processing my own grief) (there is also a major emotional complication in that I was [still am] preparing myself for the loss of our elderly dog when suddenly the rabbit died)

Compunction - every time I see a particularly clever political ad (I'm with her, post bern) or a legitimately new piece of political news that interests me, I hesitate to share it. I don't really want my social media presence to be political. The issues are so strong in this cycle, though, that I also feel like i'm not being socially responsible by being quiet.

Beatrix is the white/black one. A friend with a beautiful wooded area in her backyard let us bury Beatrix back there. There is a heavy and horrible feeling that happens as a parent when you see your child's heartbreak. The dog giving you a flat blue 'srly?' is my old-man-dog who I'm now hooking up to fluids every day to take a little stress off his failing kidneys.

Solution for getting through work this morning: Sondheim. Into the Woods.

WOTD Rollick

1. to move or act in a carefree, frolicsome manner; behave in a free, hearty, lively, or jovial way.

I guess I really like this word, though it isn't one I'm ever prone to use. It is perhaps more accurate to describe how I like to behave than 'shenanaigans,' though its not as satisfying to say.

Something I keep encountering, which makes a smile rollick across my face, is when I find that wonderful people I am a fan of are also fans of each other. For example, I found recommendations for Adventure Zone looking for a fun d&d podcast, which led me to MBMBaM, and to the realization that the McElroy brothers are friends with and fans of Lin Manuel-Miranda. Further, they had Pat Rothfuss on their podcast, and he just recently posted something about having to go back and listen to all 300-some episodes of it now. Completing the triangle, there are pictures of Lin and Pat playing tak in a park, and Pat attending the Moana premiere. Just makes me happy, like watching a puppy (puppies are masters of rollickry).

And the Critical Role connections! Again, Pat Rothfuss appeared on the show (and wrote a beautiful in-character letter to Keylith later [and I am such a geek that I printed a transcription and got it signed by pat at Nerdcon:stories], and recorded himself reading it for the webstream), which is fantastic. I'm sorry about the structure of that last sentence, but I'm not changing it. Consider it just a touch of sentence-ception. Geek-ception?

and! and! Different story, but I am going to a concert featuring Dessa and Jeremy Messersmith. Then I see Taliesin (from CritRole) just recommended Jeremy's music on twitter (or on signal boost maybe?). Little rollicks in my tummy.

after Nerdcon: Stories

The day after #nerdconstories, I had a dream about Dessa, Pat Rothfuss, Saladin Ahmed, and Sam Riegel joining my home D&D game; and because I can't just enjoy an experience like that and must analyze it, here I go.

I think Sam would have a much steeper challenge in a bard rap battle against Dessa. While Sam had nothign to do with Nerdcon (to my knowledge), his presence in the dream makes sense, as I kept trying to catch up on Critical Role all weekend.

My wife was also playing in the game, which is awesome, because apparently I get nervous meeting these people whose work I admire. I'm sure Audrey's presence would negate some of that.

Speaking of - why is it I was so knee-knockingly nervous saying hello to Pat? He is definitely a celebrity, and someone I think very highly of, but I wasn't ready for being shaky-handed and word-lost when I walked up to his signing table. I didn't even get so far as to gush about how valuable his work is to me, or tell him that he is many wonderful kinds of cool, or verbalize a 'thank you so much for doing all the things'. It doesn't make sense - Pat is friendly, open, and was relateably human right down to having his son signing in the seat next to him - and the fact that I reacted with tongue-tied stomach flips makes me frankly upset with myself. The irony of my comfort being on stage in front of an audience as an actor, and my nerves at being a fan, is not lost.

I also went to Dessa's signing table and was nervous, but I'm much more forgiving of my nervousness in that scenario. I don't have the same familiarity with her work as Pat's, so she is a less known quantity. Her art is further from my personal experience, so there could be less common ground. And while maybe a more embarrassing aspect, its not inaccurate to say she's a super impressive popular girl to my cis-straight nerdboy. That said, while I was nervous, and didn't say much of the stuff that sounded cool in my head as I met her, I also wasn't the sweaty-palmed human-shaped jell-o mold that was at the Rothfuss table.

The pair of experiences made me realize that while I reveled in the content of the panels and presentations at nerdcon (massive understatement), I don't actually like the dynamic of fan/celebrity that happens. I think what my subconscious was setting up with the D&D game was the situation I want instead: a setting to really meet and befriend the people I admire. And engage in play.

I didn't mention Saladin yet - I met him in a much different scenario, at the coffeeklatsch, and that was much more better(er). Within a few minutes of sitting down, he had mentioned his children, how many cups of coffee his day had required, and the thought of his novel as a retelling of a D&D game, and I think any nerves that might have risen up were quenched. He was no less admirable and impressive a person, but he was immediately a friendly guy, maybe an advisor or professor. Was this influenced by sitting around a table instead of rows facing a signing table? Even more, the fact that he happened to sit next to me around the table, in exactly the way that I sit with my coworkers at a lab meeting all the time? Or is there arcane Saladin magic that puts me at ease, that Pat and Dessa know not of. Maybe he's the party wizard.

My dream was annoyingly devoid of important details like what characters everyone was playing. So here is an off-the-cuff casting that might be fun:

Audrey as a Dragonborn barbarian
Saladin as a grumpy elderly dwarven rock-wizard
Dessa as a swashbuckly halfling rogue
Sam as a hobgoblin druid
Pat as a half-orc veteran soldier with a dark past and a redemption arc

oh my, I am supposed to be sciencing right now, not getting carried away writing. Mouse corneas require my attention!